How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo has touched hundreds of thousands of lives with its profound and actionable advice. Retaining the core message of becoming more mindful in our relationships, this edition includes new and revised material that addresses how we live and love today.
A new preface touches on David Richo’s experience with the book over time and outlines the key updates, including attention to online dating and modern communication styles, as well as new perspectives on anger and ending relationships. “Most people think of love as a feeling,” says Richo, “but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present.”
How to Be an Adult in Relationships explores five hallmarks of mindful loving and how they play a key role in our relationships. Adult love is based on a mutual commitment to what Richo calls the “five A’s”: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing. Brimming with practical exercises for couples and singles, How to Be an Adult in Relationships offers heartening insights into a lifelong journey of love. Hope you all enjoy reading the article, How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo (PDF).
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Book Summary: How to Be an Adult in Relationships
THIS BOOK BRINGS THE MYSTICAL DOWN TO EARTH, to the world of relationships that we all navigate from birth to death. In How to Be an Adult in Relationships, David Richo provides an operational guide to effective relationships that’s as gentle and precise as his own presence with his students and friends. Through the reliable spiritual practices of mindfulness and lovingkindness, readers embark on a journey that leads to awareness, joy, and deep connection.
Mindfulness is an ancient meditation mode in which we let go of our fears, our attachments to control and being right, our expectations and entitlements, and our judgments of others. Instead of these popular strategies, we learn to simply stay present in the moment—with nothing in the way—so we can experience life as it occurs. When we apply mindfulness to our relationships, we can finally see ourselves and others as we are, in all our touching vulnerability and with all our rich potential for love.
In the spiritual practice of lovingkindness, we expand our awareness of others in an immensely tender and caring way. We journey beyond our own personal relationships and embrace the wider world. We learn to extend our love to everyone around us, even those to whom we are indifferent and those we find difficult. Through loving kindness, the romantic union between two people ultimately embraces the world.
At one point in this book, David says, “We can expand our consciousness of giving and receiving love.” In my experience counseling couples and training professionals, the question always emerges: How can we expand our capacity to handle more love and positive energy so we don’t continue to sabotage any advances? We—my husband, Gay, and I—call this the Upper Limits Problem and the ultimate human challenge.
This book shows just how the widening ripple of love can flow more freely within and between us all. David Richo lays down the stepping stones from personal love to universal love. The spiritual practices in How to Be an Adult in Relationships are not adjuncts to psychological work; they fulfill it. David Richo offers an important new synthesis in the self-help movement: practical spirituality grounded in what the poet Ted Loder calls “treasures of joy, of friendship, of peace, hidden in the fields of the daily.”
David’s examples, and especially the many opportunities he gives to practice these shifts of perspective and action, deeply support the reader’s evolution. We find a new place to stand together in equality. Clear markers guide us toward a compassionate life in which human beings finally grow up to become stewards for each other and our larger home. Not only can our relationships work for our growth but for the world’s evolution too. I invite you to be moved by these waves of possibility.
KATHLYN HENDRICKS, PH.D
About the author – DAVID RICHO
DAVID RICHO, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, teacher, and writer who draws on Jungian, Buddhist, and poetic perspectives in his work. He leads popular workshops at the Esalen Institute, the University of California at Berkeley, the University of California at Santa Barbara, and Santa Barbara City College. He is the author of HOW TO BE AN ADULT, HOW TO BE AN ADULT IN RELATIONSHIPS, and SHADOW DANCE: LIBERATING THE POWER AND CREATIVITY OF YOUR DARK SIDE. He lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco, California.
Key Takeaways: How to Be an Adult in Relationships
1. Take Responsibility for Yourself: Rather than blaming others for your emotional state or expecting them to fulfill your needs, being an adult in relationships involves self-awareness. Take responsibility for your own well-being, communicate your needs, and work towards personal growth.
2. Establish Clear Boundaries: Healthy relationships thrive on clear and respectful boundaries. Clearly communicate your needs, limits, and expectations. Boundaries create a safe space for individuals to express themselves authentically while maintaining their individual identities within the relationship.
3. Honor Your True Self: Authenticity is paramount for genuine connections. Embrace and express your true self openly. Richo guides readers to explore their values, and desires, and communicate transparently. Authenticity forms the foundation for meaningful and lasting connections.
4. Make Agreements, Not Expectations: Healthy relationships are built on explicit agreements, not unspoken expectations. Foster open communication to avoid misunderstandings. Instead of assuming your partner’s intentions or expecting unspoken needs to be met, actively engage in making clear agreements that both parties agree upon.
5. Balance Intimacy and Independence: A healthy relationship balances intimacy and independence. Support each other’s personal growth while maintaining individual autonomy. Striking this balance allows for a mutually satisfying and sustainable connection, where both partners can flourish independently and together.
6. Practice Mindful Loving: Mindfulness is crucial in relationships. Introduce mindfulness into your interactions. Being fully present in the moment allows for conscious responses rather than reactive behaviors. Mindful loving deepens connections and brings awareness to the dynamics of the relationship.
7. Embrace Vulnerability: Vulnerability is a strength in relationships. Open up about fears, insecurities, and genuine feelings. Richo suggests that by embracing vulnerability, individuals create an environment where both partners can be their authentic selves, fostering emotional intimacy and trust.
8. Cultivate Gratitude: Explanation: Regularly express appreciation for your partner. Cultivating a grateful mindset creates a positive atmosphere, strengthens the emotional bond, and contributes to an overall sense of contentment in the relationship.
9. Foster Forgiveness: Forgiveness is crucial for mature relationships. Acknowledge that conflicts are inevitable. Learn to forgive and release resentment, recognizing that holding onto grudges only hinders personal and relational growth. Forgiveness is a vital component of a healthy and resilient relationship.
10. Prioritize Self-Love: Nurture a healthy relationship with yourself. Prioritize self-love and self-compassion, recognizing that personal well-being contributes to a positive mindset in relationships. When individuals prioritize their own health and happiness, they bring a more fulfilling and balanced energy to the partnership.
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